


it started out with a prank how did it end up like this it was only a prank /it was only a prank/

by zzzzzzzo



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Blow Jobs, Breakfast, Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Masturbation, Mostly humor, Pranks, Toaster Strudel, and toaster strudel glorification, but kk soooo got him back, john is a such a troll, like dayum, this is not really a porn fic, this is pure silliness basically haha, very vague though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 14:11:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2624693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zzzzzzzo/pseuds/zzzzzzzo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has the worst, best, and everything in between, morning of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it started out with a prank how did it end up like this it was only a prank /it was only a prank/

**Author's Note:**

  * For [felineFan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineFan/gifts).



> i. can't explain actually

Your name is John Egbert and you are currently jerking off on a breakfast pastry while your boyfriend sleeps on obliviously in the other room.

...Yeah, okay, you should probably explain that.

So, toaster strudel is a regular thing in the Egbert-Vantas household. It's freaking delicious, and both of you are adults with a right to indulge and shut up. It's great, okay. The most common and well known dilemma with toaster strudel is, of course, the relatively small amount of icing in the packets. Seriously, every human being known to man wants to just douse the things! But, nope, the portion provided is practically as little as the amount of salt in those little packets in fast food restaurants. Unbelievable.

So, while you often try to resist, you are only human. And just earlier tonight, while indulging in a secret treat while Karkat was asleep, you used two icing packets.

Blasphemy, you know! Really, if anyone wants to murder you right now you wouldn't blame them. You did, after all, leave some poor soul tragically deprived of any icing, even such a small amount. Before anyone brings on the pitchforks, you need to explain! See, you had figured you could just do this and have the no-icing-one tomorrow morning, while leaving your poor unaware victim, Karkat, to his own sweetness.

Haha yeah not quite.

So, turns out after your little escapade only one pastry remained? And no icing? Or time to go the grocery store since it was closed that late?

Hahahahaha.

You are so dead.

Or so you thought, anyway! But then, you thought of the most brilliant plan.

...Okay, this is going to make you even dead-er than you would have been if you were to just own up. But! It will be totally hilarious. So yeah.

...Though you guess it would look pretty weird right now if someone were to walk in and see you masturbating on a breakfast treat. Like, a pastry fetish, or something. Is there a word for that?

You pause to look that up real quick. Either there isn't, or you didn't look hard enough. Either way, a disappointment.

You should probably stay on task. You waited until morning to do this so the snack would be nice and warm for him. Karkat could wake up any time now though, so you shouldn't dawdle. Even though he's the latest, laziest, (cutest) riser ever. Just in case.

Aw yeah, thinking about Karkat is the right way to go while masturbating. And about things that you guys have done in the months of dating. And whatnot. Yes. Very good thoughts.

It doesn't take long for you to finish after that.

You survey your handiwork proudly once your breath has calmed some. Not too shabby! Sometimes you like to do cute designs on his breakfast, but random splotches won't be a cause for suspicion or anything. And your aim was freaking _on point_ , only a bit landed on the paper towel you put under it just in case. Man, if you knew yourself as a separate person, you would so high five you right now.

...Well, after he washes his hands anyway. Ick.

Oh man, you are so ready to see Karkat's reaction when he eats this though! He overreacts over the smallest things, so something like this is going to make him seriously blow.

...Blow up, you mean. Not, the other thing.

...Anyway, you should get this sweet pranking started.

A quick hand washing so he doesn't get suspicious, and then you're twirling into the bedroom and flicking on the lights, singing very loudly and badly as you dance your way like Julie Andrews in a musical into the room.

You know, like every morning.

A muffled groan comes from the mountain of piled blankets on the bed, vague mutterings of death and pain barely reaching you. Hehe.

You tssk, placing the plate of heaven on the counter so you can dig through the pile and seek out a head of rumpled, dark hair. Smush a kiss against his forehead and smile at the dazed look he sends you. Half asleep Karkat is the _best_. His intense hatred and secret lovey-dovey-ness get all mixed up in this weird jumble. The look he sends you now is a mix of both affection and impending murder. It's the adorable-est, greatest thing ever.

Another kiss on the bridge of his nose, with a “mwah!” and everything. The glare he's giving you is slowly weighing heavier on the annoyance scale as he wakes up more. You figure now would be a good time to drop the bomb.

“Don't give me that look!” You pout at him. “If you keep that up, I might just decide not to give you the last toaster strudel...” You trail off thoughtfully, as if you're actually considering the sadistic idea of dangling something so amazing in his face only to snatch it away. His eyes go wide, staring at you with a deadpan expression. Shock and something like awe mix in his gaze.

“You... You're going to...?”

“Yup!” He's giving you a look like you're bestowing upon him the last glass of water in a world of parched deserts, and you can't say you're surprised. The last toaster strudel is generally a warlike struggle between you two, of sabotage and whoever wakes up first. You don't think you've ever so much as shared one, let alone flat out given it to him. No wonder he can't seem to settle between the purest love you've ever seen, and incredulous. It is pretty hard to swallow.

(Just like the “icing” will be. Haha.)

To prove the point that yes, you are in fact really giving him it and being the best lover in the universe ever, you place the plate with the ambrosia-like treat before him on the mattress.

Karkat continues to stare. You think he might be tearing up a bit. Should you feel bad about the prank at this point? Yeah, probably. You imagine how you would feel if your positions were reversed, and it's like a hand squeezes your heart. _Shit_.

This is the biggest mistake of your life.

You start to say something, but just as you do he sits up. Toaster strudel is a treat worthy of sitting up for to get the full effect. Otherwise it's not being appreciated enough. “I might seriously marry you after this,” he says to you before beginning the Process. You can tell he means it too.

You watch helplessly as he grips it carefully in his brown hand and takes the first bite. Every single thing about his body language, the lightly closed eyes and almost smile and relaxed shoulders, show that every inch of him is prepared for true heaven. To have that snatched away, so sudden and unexpectedly, must be the worst thing a human being can possibly experience.

Karkat freezes. Just that. Goes stalk still, eyes still shut, smile frozen in place. You can see in clear definition the moment his shoulders start to tense, the corners of his mouth tug down in disgust, his eyes squint shut tighter and start to tear up for an entirely different reason. Oh man, you are the _worst_. This was a horrible idea.

You finally gain the ability to move after a moment, start to flail uselessly like the horrible, the- the _repulsive_ person you are. “Oh god, I- Karkat, I am so-”

He jerks upright suddenly, eyes flashing open. Doesn't say anything, but it's like his movement cut you off somehow. You stare at him guiltily, tense and waiting anxiously for his verdict.

The one thing in the world you couldn't have possibly have anticipated, the biggest plot twist of your life so far, was for him to take another bite. Chew slowly, looking directly at you, expressionless.

...Okay _what_.

He keeps staring at you, silently, mouth moving agonizingly sluggishly, eye contact not wavering. You squirm, fidget and flush and his eyes still never leave yours. Oh god.

(Oh man, why is this still kind of hot in a way though. This is not the time to think that.)

Karkat particularly takes his time on the last bite. Slowly licks away some- semen, from the corner of his mouth.

And then, he.

He _smirks_.

Leans in close so his mouth is just barely not touching yours, god, you can smell it, your seed mixing with raspberry goodness in a strangely dizzying scent.

“You know,” he breaths, lips barely skimming yours, a tantalizing brush of heated contact that adds slight arousal to your confusion. “I'd rather have something like that... From the source.” His hand skims your knee, moving slowly up your leg. He knows just how to push your buttons, and damn him, it's working. “Just, in case you were wondering.” Presses a suckling kiss to your Adams apple, then your chest, and wait, wait, he is _going down on you._

Holy. Shit.

\---

EB: so that's about it!  
EB: my first blow job. *sighs fondly*  
TG: i

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]'s computer exploded \--


End file.
